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Mission Impossible: Ensuring our Children a Perfect Life

Last updated May 7th, 2012 at 11:57 a.m..

Mission Impossible: Ensuring our Children a Perfect Life
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts
Dear ,
 
Do you know parents who believe that it's their job to prepare the world for their children…so that their kids never experience any struggle, discomfort, or disappointment?
 
Maybe you know a slightly different variety…those who try to micromanage their children into being successful.
 
Both types love their kids. Nevertheless, both types make it much harder for their children to develop personal responsibility and self-esteem.
 
Parents dedicated to removing all discomfort, rescue their children from the consequences of their poor decisions.
 
Rescuing creates insecure kids, who doubt their ability to face the world without our constant protection.
 
Those who try to ensure success, bark orders and tell their kids exactly what to think, choose, and do.
 
Trying to ensure success leaves kids believing that they can't succeed on their own.
 
Parents who understand the Love and Logic approach allow their children to learn from plenty of affordable mistakes. Unless these mistakes pose serious risk to life, limb, or spirit, they resist the urge to step in.
 
When we allow our children to face struggles and encourage them with love, they become capable and responsible.
 
Instead of showing anger, instead of getting frustrated, instead of saying, "I told you so," great parents provide loving empathy: "This is so sad. What a bummer this happened. I love you."
 
When we had our first child, we were constantly trying to get him to wear his coat on cold days. Tired of these battles, we left the house one cold winter day with his coat in the trunk of the car…not on the trunk of his body. Fortunately, our car was quite old at the time and the heater only half-worked. It was amazing how much faster he learned from atmospheric conditions than from our lectures!
 
Mission Impossible: Trying to make the world perfect or trying to make our kids perfect.
 
The Love and Logic Way: Love them as they learn from the struggles they encounter.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
 
Dr. Charles Fay

Keeping it Simple

Last updated April 19th, 2012 at 11:53 a.m..

Keeping it Simple
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts
Dear ,
 
Do great parents use a large variety of good parenting skills? Not typically!
 
Great parents don't overwhelm themselves by trying to use every trick in the book. Instead, they rely on a small number of skills yet apply them with consistency.
 
If you're feeling overwhelmed by your kids, could it be that you're trying too hard to do too many things? Might it be time to get back to the bare basics?
 
What are these "bare basics"? Listed below are the top three I've observed from my experience with thousands of truly great parents and educators:
  • They demonstrate unconditional warmth and love.

Kids feel this magical type of love when their parents spend plenty of time with them, when their parents focus on their strengths, and when their parents display empathy instead of anger or sarcasm when things go wrong.

  • Their "yes" is always "yes" and their "no" is always "no."

Great parents are extremely careful to set only the limits they know they can enforce. They remember this important rule for setting limits:

Never tell a stubborn child what to do.
Instead, describe what you will do or allow.

Would you like your kids to believe that every word you say is important?

  • They allow their kids to experience the logical and natural consequences of their decisions.

    Isn't it hard to watch our kids struggle with the consequences of their mistakes? While it breaks our hearts at times, allowing them to learn in this way gives them a tremendous advantage as they grow. They develop respect, responsibility, and a good grasp of good old-fashioned common sense.

    The key, of course, is to display empathy rather than anger. If you ever find this difficult, listen to our audio: Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up.
Raising great kids really can be a joy when we remember that we don't have to overcomplicate parenting with too many skills and too much theory. Keep it simple and enjoy your kids.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
 
 
Dr. Charles Fay

Perfect Underachievers

Last updated April 16th, 2012 at 8:40 a.m..

Perfect Underachievers
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts
 
Dear ,
 
Do you know any gifted kids who are super capable but just will not apply themselves in school? Some take the path of least resistance by completing only the work they find simple and easy. Others simply shut down altogether.
 
The common denominator with many underachieving kids is deep-seated perfectionism. That's right! As strange as it may sound, many kids who do poorly in school desire to do perfectly in school. As they grow, they become more and more imprisoned by the belief that it's better to avoid trying than to appear less than perfect in any way.
 
Sadly, many of these perfect underachievers are misdiagnosed as lazy or uncaring. Actually, fear…rather than apathy…drives their poor performance.
 
In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a variety of strategies for helping perfectionists gain the courage to achieve. Listed below are some quick hints:
 
  • Model learning from making mistakes.

    Kids need to see us trying new things, making mistakes, learning from these mistakes, and trying again.
  • Love your children for who they are.

    When humans feel loved and accepted for who they are, they're more likely to take the healthy risks required to become all they can be.
  • Respond to their mistakes with empathy…rather than anger.

    Obviously, it's best to avoid flying off the handle when they blow it. Remember: Empathy opens the heart and the mind to learning.
  • Focus on effort rather than IQ.

    Parents who constantly praise, "You are so smart!" often raise kids who avoid trying anything that they can't complete perfectly.
 
Perfectionism can be a curse. If you suffer from it, intentionally mess up at least once per week. That's right. Pick something small and mess it up. Then see if the earth stops spinning around the sun. Being a recovering perfectionist, it's been comforting to see that life goes on even when I make a mistake!

Life and Death Decisions

Last updated March 28th, 2012 at 12:19 p.m..

Life and Death Decisions
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts
Dear ,
 
Does it seem to you that this world gets faster paced and more complicated each and every day? Compared to people a generation ago, are we faced with far more decisions and temptations than ever before in history? What will the world look like when our kids get there? Will the decisions they face be simpler…or far more difficult? Will the consequences of their decisions be smaller, or will they be a lot larger…often life and death?
 
Clearly, the world is becoming more temptation-laden every day. That's why it's more important than ever for kids to experience the type of parenting that helps them learn how to make good choices about serious issues. Providing this type of parenting hinges on our awareness of the following:
 
Kids learn to make great decisions about big and critically important matters by making plenty of poor decisions about small and relatively unimportant matters… and by experiencing the natural and logical consequences.
 
Are your children making enough affordable mistakes?
 
Are you allowing them to experience the consequences instead of rescuing them?
 
Are you holding them accountable with love and empathy…instead of anger, frustration, or lectures?
 
If you answered "yes" to all three of these questions, the odds are high that your children will have a good enough grasp of cause and effect to survive when life and death decisions come knocking on their door.
 
Perhaps you know a teen or young adult who wasn’t given this opportunity when the "price tag" of mistakes was small. Can their lives end up becoming chronically sad…or even tragic…when they eventually enter the real world and find themselves grappling with tough decisions? Each year we hear about far too many of these kids on the nightly news.
 
You can save lives. By facilitating one of our easy-to-teach parenting curricula, you can help parents in your community give their children the gift of good decision-making. Will you help us make the world a better place one family at a time? For more information, call us at 1-800-338-4065.
 
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
 
Dr. Charles Fay
 
 
©2012 Love and Logic Institute, Inc. All copyright infringement laws apply. Permission granted for forwarding and/or for a single photocopy or electronic reproduction of one email tip only. Please do not alter or modify. For more information, call the Love and Logic Institute, Inc. at 800-338-4065.

Why Are They Always Testing the Limits?

Last updated March 8th, 2012 at 7:35 a.m..

Why Are They Always Testing the Limits?
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts
Dear ,
 
Tammy glowed with excitement, rushing up to me minutes before the conference began.
 
"I made the greatest connection about why you teach us to neutralize our kids' arguing and begging. Even though I got good at saying, 'So what did I say?' And even though it worked well, I was still upset that I had to use it frequently. I kept thinking that if I just did it the right way, my own kids would just accept the limits I set for them. It irritated me that they would test the limits more than the kids in my classroom."
 
"So tell me about the connection," I said.
 
"I was listening to you and Charles on the new audio CD, The Love and Logic Classroom, where you both talked about limits. Something you said made it clear that testing and trying to stretch limits is a way kids check to assure themselves that the adults can, and will, provide physical and emotional safety."
 
"That’s right, but what was the connection you made?"
 
"Here it is, Jim. Now I have a different feeling each time my kids beg for things they shouldn't have, or when they try to test limits. I used to get frustrated, asking myself what I was doing wrong. I would also get mad at them. But that's all changed now."
 
"Well, what do you do now?"
 
"Here's what's so great, Jim. Now I tell myself that they are just checking to see if I still love them enough to provide limits. It's a totally different mindset. I still say, 'So what did I say?' when they test. But when I do, I feel like I'm giving them a gift. Thanks for all you do for us. I hope you and Charles keep churning out new CDs. I love listening to them when I drive."
 
Thanks for reading, and remember that the child's job is to test the limits, and your job is to enforce them.
 
Jim Fay
 
By the way, the new CD, The Love and Logic Classroom, is about parenting as much as it is about teaching. Check it out. As usual, if you don't love it, we'll gladly buy it back.
 
Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
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Cherokee Kennedy

Crawford Elementary School in Crawford, NE

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