Throughout history, Christianity has seen numerous martyrs. These men and women have given up their lives to the Christian faith, some in the lives they chose and others in death. By discussing these various martyrs, I have come to ask myself, what would I have done if faced with the same situation?

            What comes to my mind, in answering this question, is a story about a young girl who was killed in the 2000 Columbine school massacre. As the gunman held the gun to her head, he asked her, “Do you believe in God?” She replied, “Yes.” And then her life was over. But what is truly miraculous is that this young girl had just turned herself over to Christianity just a few weekends before her death at a retreat. I, on numerous occasions, have done the same at different Catholic retreats. But what would my response be if a gunman was about to shoot? In my heart I would like to say it would be, “Yes, I am Catholic, I believe in God, Jesus, and the holy Church and that she stands for.” But in reality, I would have to say out of pure fear and selfishness, my answer would be, “No. There is no God.”

            Coming to this realization has greatly influenced me spiritually. When I pray, I have begun this conversation with God to first forgive me for denying him in my thoughts, and then to lead me to an incredible bond with Him so that I will never deny him again. I have also taken into account that in my spiritual life, that I, even if it is mostly in thoughts, am a lapsi Christian. This title is not one I would like to hold, but it is where I am. Therefore, it is through prayer and my deep reflections upon the history of the Catholic Church that I have begun to try to cleanse myself of my wrongdoings, learn form the mistakes that I have made, and pray for forgiveness.

            It is my hope that by strengthening my spiritual life and by taking responsibility for the way I have behaved or the ways in which I did not behave; I will be able to never deny God again. Also, through this revelation I have come to think that maybe it is our place to accept those who have denied God or strayed away from the faith back into our Christian communities. This is quite hard for me to do at times, especially since I often believe that those who deny God can never really come to know him. But then I realize, I having denied God in my thoughts, would I not want the Christian community to forgive me?

            It is within my deep reflection, understanding and ever growing relationship with God, that I find peace. That is, I know that one day, I will answer without a doubt, “Yes.”

 [RQ1]95 Quite sensitively presented

 [RQ2]tone